“First off, thanks to God – or Jesus – you know what, throw one up for the Holy Spirit too, bro never gets the hearts. For blinding my eyes with the sun every damn morning.

Parents, for the sleepless genes, and the gift of never teaching me self-reliance.

Big ups to the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Osprey, your morning love-fest beats any alarm app. Shout out to the red lights – your rubberband lessons give me the snap to gun the Tesi.

And this trophy for “Got My Son to School on Time” would be meaningless without the big dog himself. Stand up, little man – your rollercoaster panic gave me the fuel I needed to hurtle you on time into your bougie-ass Socratic dialogues meeting at the school your mom picked.

…Shit. I forgot to thank your mother.”